Brass Ring

Never drink on a Monday.  It makes Tuesday virtually unbearable because even an act as simple as brushing your teeth will make you want to tense up, drop the toothbrush, vomit into the sink and collapse to the floor.  Even riding the elevator was like slow-motion torture.  The urge to force open the doors, run out into the street and collapse on the asphalt panting was just too strong.  Turning round every time someone called me made the tiny chirping cuckoos that had seemingly taken up residence in my head angry.  I hadn't thought I was so far gone last night.  Olivia said I wasn't, but then again Olivia was leaning over the bar trying to wheedle free appetizers from the management and was in much the same state as I was.

What I do remember is that I spent the majority of the train ride home laughing at everything I saw, and I remember catching a glimpse of myself in the reflective glass of the subway doors and turning this way and that, amazed by the beautiful creature I saw there.  This evening, I realized that it was absolutely true still--it was no trick of drink or careful tooling of makeup but had just suddenly and finally come true.  I am beautiful.

And for some reason, it just made me so angry.  All I could remember were stupid lies from years ago.  Things like, "I'm falling for you," and "Don't break my heart", and all this other unfair stuff that happened to the beautiful girl in the subway door.  It made me so angry.  Some brass ring.  It's never enough.  So beautiful, and it's never enough.

Imagine that!