Wedding Wars, Continued

Remember that show Growing Up Gotti? It was some aggravating excuse for Victoria Gotti and her sons to be on television? Anyway, my town's famous for having spawned that particular epidemic.  The first year the Tickle Me Elmo plush came out, we couldn't get any because John Gotti Jr. had snapped them all up.  Anyway, there was this one time years ago that my youngest sister was having her Sweet Sixteen party at a restaurant and they were filming that show at the restaurant so the management thought it would be a nice surprise to have the boys come down and visit the party.  All the teenaged guests went wild to take pictures with them, while anyone with any sense (self included) was mortified and chugged their drinks, wondering how someone could be that tanning-booth tan without killing every nerve ending in their bodies.

Now, years later, my father's "small wedding" is quickly spiraling out of control (and still do not have a dress for it.) Still don't know the words to the cheesy country song have to sing, and now the piano player's backed out of the whole thing and my father is panicking, asking me over and over do I know anyone who plays piano, and why didn't I stay in practice with the piano?

The minute I get in the door.  "Where have you been?"

"Dance class."

"Since when do you do that?"

"Since I just--"

"Never mind, do you know anyone who plays piano? I really have to fix this."

"Why don't you ask--"

"I mean I really have to fix this.  We've only got a few weeks, and I've got to re-cement the walkway.  Don't you think that the rental for the bridesmaids is in a bad neighborhood?"

"No, actually.  I told you last week that it's a block away from the dance studio."

"What dance studio?"

"The dance studio, where I take--"

"Since when do you do that?"

"Well, actually, since you asked, I was just saying--"

"Never mind, do you know anyone who plays piano?"

It's positively maddening.  You have to eat three chocolate donuts and down a soda or vanilla seltzer just to be able to answer without socking anyone in the mouth. 

Anyway, now on the dry-erase board in the kitchen (which is the method he prefers to communicate; it makes it easier for him to get angry and yell when people don't see it right away) he has written in red ink:

- PIANO PLAYER.

The middle sister found this all wildly amusing, and decided to add some wedding ideas of her own in red ink:

- belly dancer (there are some embarrassing pictures somewhere in the world of my inebriated 20-something father dancing with a belly dancer at someone's stag party)
- Shazam! (80s pop band that my uncle and his fiancee spared no expense to have at their circus-like wedding reception, among other acts.  They are now divorced.)

The youngest sister thought this was all great fun as well, and illustrated what she thought would be fun in blue ink:

- palm reader
- snake charmer

There was a drawing of a snake charmer and a snake in a basket underneath the list. 

I wondered myself if I'd be less stressed out if I also acted as if this were all funny instead of hideous.  I added my own thoughts in yellow ink:

- free ice cream bar
- the Gotti boys

Naturally, when I was on the sofa eating a Swiss Roll listening to "Ready Room Disco" on my new Battle of the Planets soundtrack, he stalked through the living room.  "Very funny," he said to me, as if the whole thing had been my idea instead.

Nope, not funny.  Still hideous.